Xoke.org

Stop freaking out.  Keep washing your hands.  Don't sneeze on people.  Normal flu kills 36K people in the US a year (according to CDC stats).  Only a SINGLE person has died in the US so far from 'swine flu', and they were a 2 year old visiting from Mexico.  Stop worrying!

Anyway here are the jokes, curtosy of my mother.

I called the Swine Flu hotline today but I couldn't get through … all I got was crackling.
 
How do you know if you have Swine Flu? You keep getting these rashers!
 
Doctor, Doctor. I think I have Swine Flu! Don't worry, just rub in this oinkment.
 
Oinkment won't work for Mexican Swine Flu. You need Juantibiotics!
 
Doctor, Doctor. I've just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.
 
Doctor, Doctor. My daughter woke up this morning in pigtails. Should I be worried?
 
A woman runs out of petrol and phones her husband "I've run out of petrol but I daren't go to fill up because of this Swine Flu". The husband says "you daft ayputh, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"
 
I won a holiday to Mexico, but I can't go and I'm pig sick about it.
 
Feeling bored on the bus/train/underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze…
 
News Flash …. this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the a-pork-alypse!
 
This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
This little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
And this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found ut that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.
 
The World Health Organisation has confirmed that a Swine Flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.
 
Swine Flu is caused by exposure to Gammon Rays.
 
Apparently over 6 billion emails have been sent out in the last week about Swine Flu. Duh! Didn't you know spam comes from pigs.
 
A lion, a bear and a pig are in the pub, showing off.
 The lion claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the plains shake."
 The bear claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the forests shake."
 The pig replied, "Nah, I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I cough and the whole world wets itself…"
 
Watch out for the following:
• Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
• Unusual behaviour:  doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
• Bad temper:  things start to very easily rind you up.
• Overheating:  Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
• Chills;  Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• Wanting a fight:  Shouting out things like “Gammon have a go if you think you’re hard enough…”
If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for treatment. Smokers please note it is a non smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout.
 Of course all of this could be a false alarm, in which case you will return home shamefaced with your curly tail between your legs, but if the symptoms return, try going to your local pharmacy for some oinkment.
 
So it appears Swine Flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off…
 
FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection.
 
This Swine Flu is bad, I must have had it for about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!
 
Apparently, the BBC reports that the symptoms of Swine Flu are intense sweating, incoherent speech, pungent body odour and fatigue. I always knew there as something odd about Gordon Brown…
 
Anyone else awaiting the first Policeman to be diagnosed with Swine Flu?
 
You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.
 
Mad Cow Disease: Named after my wife. Swine Flu: Named after her mother.
 
Swine Flu is like Susan Boyle. It hasn't really done much, but anyone with an internet connection has heard of it.
 
Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
 
Funny how 90 people get the Swine Flu and everyone wears face masks, but millions get Aids and no-one wears condoms.
 
Half price on return flights to Mexico, Its not like you're coming back is it?
 
The pigs are giving people the 'flu. As if arresting you on jumped up charges isn't bad enough…
 
I just heard on the news that, "Swine flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in England". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then isn’t it.
 
Apparently the first symptom of Swine Flu is that you get the trotts.
 
All of this makes me feel like America will view the term "Pigging Out" very differently from now on.
 
El Paso Fah…..Fahhhhh………Faaaajita!
 
Swine flu has been reported in Israel. Oh the irony!
 
Looks like I'm going to have to cancel my salsa lessons.
 
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have Swine Flu
And now so do you
 

(This one from Edy the Mighty)

What's the past tense of pigs fly? swine flu!